Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
