Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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