Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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