Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Your cock deserves a montage
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize