I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
