I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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