I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
