I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
