put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
