Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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