sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
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