So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Just pee around me
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
