Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
