Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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