dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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