Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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