you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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