Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
