i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
