I'm lost and stupid without you.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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