Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
How does one acquire holy water?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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