I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
