he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
