Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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