Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
