happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
