i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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