i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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