I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Watching her eat just hurts me
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
