I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You can't motorboat a personality
only you would photoshop your dick
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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