I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
