Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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