I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
