He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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