Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
