Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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