totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize