Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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