For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
