I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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