There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
