I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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