Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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