why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
