The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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