the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
