and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
