I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
