I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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