Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
