I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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