Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Randomize
