I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
