get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
