Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
