I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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