Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
