I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
